FAT

Gahhhh this is a super hard post to write about. I am shaking as I am typing on the keyboard and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. Gahhhhhhh.

This is something I know but I can’t say. For now… typing it out will have to do. In all honesty, its actually a really big deal to me.

I. AM. FAT. I am overweight. Severely. To a point where I think that it could be dangerous if I do not stop and change my lifestyle.

Do you ever look in the mirror and just stare at your body. Do you ever finally loop up and look at yourself face to face and you notice that you have the MOST disgusting look on your face? As if you’re seeing a ghost or smelling something absolutely disgusting. I do. I do a lot. Do you ever go into a clothing store and see a top you love but know it won’t fit you… and your heart sinks. Then you somehow convince yourself to try it on, even though you know its not going to fit but you do it anyways. Now you’re at the point where you’re sitting/standing in the changing room disgusted with yourself and so sad. I sometimes feel nausea and anger. It’s like I on purpose, set myself up for disappointment.

I do have reasons as to why I am overweight. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have polyscystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Put in the easiest way possible, women with PCOS don’t produce normal insulin levels. Instead, our bodies overproduce insulin in an attempt to maintain a normal blood sugar level, and this frequently leads to more androgen productions and weight gain. It is a vicious cycle of increasing insulin resistance, more severe symptoms and even more weight gain. I also eat my feelings. I cope with eating junk food, especially sweets and then completely regret it afterwards. It’s right away, fast acting making me feel good vibes but that ends pretty quickly. I then regret it (and that is a whole different story…).

I know I need to make changes and I know that I am COMPLETELY CAPABLE of losing weight ; I have done it before. I lost over 80 pounds in less than 5 months. I felt so good about myself. I was so much more confident (yes people, for those of you who do know me.. I can be even more egotistical… I think right now its a coping mechanism.. when before, I actually was… confident.

What did I do?

I changed my diet drastically after doing tons of research. I do have to admit, I didn’t lose weight in the healthiest of ways. I ate a lot less food, a lot. I never ate breakfast, had a small lunch and even smaller dinner OR if I had nothing to do that day, I would sleep as long as I could so I wouldn’t be hungry throughout the day. I put up with the hunger pangs and headaches. I would sleep to make myself feel better or down black coffee or diet coke to make myself feel satisfied even just for a little bit. I was so weak at some points that I did not even work out that much.

Why did I stop?

I have mentioned this before, but when my brother passed away, my entire world fell apart. All I did was eat, sleep, and drink. Going out and getting drunk and eating whatever comfort food was more important. I eventually stopped caring and hid the scale. Slowly I noticed clothes not starting to fit me and I would just put this to the back of my mind. Next thing you know, I am heavier than I have EVER been.

Whats the problem now? Why won’t I commit to making a lifestyle change? Why do I keep making excuses?

I am scared that I am going to do exactly what I did before. Lets be honest, I clearly pretty much starved myself for the most part. I was so obsessed with the number on the scale. Even though I always felt weak or tired and say I didn’t go to the gym because of that… thats only half the reason. The other reason was because I was scared that if I went to the gym, the number on the scale would not go down. That even though I was losing fat, I was gaining muscle. I know this sounds so so stupid. Just thinking about making this change now, I already see my mind going right to the scale and not eating.

How can I fix this?

I need to grab my lady balls and use this confidence I claim that I have and talk about it. I need to stop telling my counsellor that we need to change the topic or avoid the topic at all cost. I need to address it. I have disordered eating. I don’t like to say eating disorder but I know in a sense I had/have one. I currently binge eat and before, I starved myself or if a did eat and if I felt guilty about it, I purged. I need to make active changes, even if it means I have to put up silly reminders for myself..

Wish me luck people. I need it. Talk soon ❤

  • Sarah
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Where have you been?

Want to know something funny? My most recent post was a few months ago and it is quite similar to what I am about to say…

Honestly, it has been a bit weird for me lately. I have been happy. I’m happy with myself (kind of), happy with my friends and family, happy with my new job… everything. At least I think this is the case. Why am I unsure? I should know right? But I don’t.

Something has been off. I cannot put my finger on it. It’s starting to aggravate me. I feel like I might have this new worry or fear. No you know what… I do. I’m scared. I am scared that I am falling back into old patterns (emotionally and mentally). Lately, all I want is my bed – I am exhausted. Music – songs are straight up getting me in the feels. I am finding myself sometimes going quiet and getting lost into space, thinking about anything and everything (usually not the most positive thoughts). So…Am I feeling guilty? Am I overthinking it? Am I looking for a reason because some how that will make me feel better.. as if a reason or label will justify it and make me feel better?

WHY HAVE I CONVINCED MYSELF THAT HAVING AN OFF DAY OR A FEW BAD DAYS IS ME FALLING BACK INTO OLD PATTERNS?

This doesn’t even make sense. EVERYONE has bad days – am I right or am I right? This isn’t an abnormal thing. I am normal but somehow I find myself comparing myself to ‘normal’ or what I have convinced myself to be normal.

HOW CAN I HAVE THESE THOUGHTS WHEN I AM FEELING GOOD AND GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING?

Does this mean I am not “better” or that my thinking is still “off”. I feel like I am being a hypocrite. Not practicing what I preach. It is so easy to say than it is to do.  Thats it.

What I do know is that there are a few things that I have not been doing lately that I was doing before (and before, I think I was in a better place). I have realized that it has been a bit since I have seen my counsellor – I am not sure if this is laziness or I am scared to discuss a topic off two. I have not being posting on the blog or on my Instagram that relates to this blog. I am not being active or being healthy.

I need to do some self care. I need to focus on me. I need to book that appointment with my counsellor, maybe even go see my doctor. I need to… NO… I want to start posting more frequently again. It’s so therapeutic. For now, these are a few small… achievable goals.

I hope I can say that I am back for real this time. Talk soon ❤

  • Sarah

3 am thoughts ..

Hello people,

It’s been a while..

I needed to take a break. I needed time to myself . I needed to figure things out and in the meantime, took a break from a lot of ‘distracting’ things that I would normally do on a regular basis. I was at a point where I needed to make changes in my life and I needed to do it then and as soon as possible. On one hand, I am happy I did this… on the other hand, I ended up neglecting participating in my coping strategies and I don’t know how I let that happen. I realized how important this blog is to me. I have realized how much it changed my mood for the better when I posted a post and got everything I wanted out. It’s therapeutic. My only journal in a sense sometimes .

ANYWAYS, some updates : I have a new job – I’m so excited for this and happy about it. I am on good terms with my immediate family and close friends. I have fixed my sleep schedule and I am starting to work on that healthy lifestyle change again. I kind of fell off the path and took the long way to where I am now .. but I am currently at a big rough bump in the road.

I feel alone. I feel left out. I feel isolated.

My anxiety has been a bit on the higher side lately.

I feel sad. I also feel excited because there are some good things happening to me… but then those few bad things overtaking my mind.

I see my counsellor. I’m taking my meds. I’m participating in self-care . I’m seeing friends and family. I get good sleeps. I go for walks and so much more.

So what’s the problem ?

Why do I feel the way I do ?

Sometimes I legit have no idea why I feel down… or wait.. that’s a lie. I just don’t want my reasons as to why I am down to be the actual reasons..

I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel at a loss with certain people in my life (its weird though because I have recently reconnected with some very good people again and I am so happy about that). I feel like I have lost some of what I thought were ‘good friends’. I feel like people are taking sides in regards to a few friendships that needed to end and for the better. For the better of me. I have therefore lost friends. I feel as if I am no longer welcome. I feel that I don’t know people as much as I think I do and that sucks. I’m questioning my importance to those friendships and then the wheels just have kept on turning.

I mentioned above that I have a new job which I am excited about BUT I am also nervous. My insecurities are getting the best of me. I’m black and white thinking and assuming the worst – we all know I am the master at ‘doom’ like thinking . I’m worried I won’t like it or that I will screw up. I’m worried I won’t be successful at it and so so much more. Mainly, what if I’m a disappointment or what if I’m not good enough.. ?

Even though I am making some lifestyle changes … I cannot get past the major bump in the road. I am struggling majorly with self-image right now.. but want to know the f***** up thing ?.. Instead of trying to fix the problem… I am eating my problems/feelings. As if by doing that, I will feel better. I never do. I just end up hating myself for using a negative coping strategy to deal with my problems. And oh look.. I feel worse.

Talk super soon. Thanks for the read. I’m happy to be back.

– Sarah 🖤

April 23rd..

I use to look forward to April 23rd, now I dread the month entirely. I want to wish my beautiful brother, Jay, a very happy birthday. You would have been 30 today. You loved your birthday. You use to talk about it right after Christmas aha you would try to think of things you would ask for as a gift or what restaurant you wanted to go to with the family. You would smile so bright all day long from ear to ear and just be genuinely so excited.

The whole month of April till today, It’s like a have been punched in the stomach a bunch of times and my chest feels heavy as if a huge boulder is on top of me. Today, I feel the exact same way… as if something really bad is going to happen today and I’m just anticipating it till it does.

I haven’t even been posting on the blog or on Instagram or Twitter. I needed a mental break. We all have off periods.

I miss you Jay. So so so much. I love you. SO so so much. Thank you for shining for us all today, I like to believe it’s your way of letting us know you’re here with us and you’re happy. I really hope you’re happy. I hope you are at peace and out of pain. I hope you have got all you wanted and so much more. See you one day.

you know that place between sleep and awake,the place where you can still remember your dreams ?thats where i’ll love you. that’s where i’ll be waiting.

– James M. Barrie.

Is it bedtime?

For as long as I can remember I have been a “night time person”, never ever someone who loves waking up early. Not my thing. Nope.

Over the past several years I have developed the worst bed time habits:

  • I couldn’t fall asleep without taking some form of melatonin/sleep aid/sleeping pill
  • I would fall asleep anywhere between 12-4 am…
  • I would be on my phone while laying in bed to the point of exhaustion
  • I had to have complete peace and quiet
  • I needed to have a dark room, no light coming from the cracks in the door, I had black out curtains.. no lights from a clock or anything

These sound like lovely habits eh ?…

No. Not really. I knew this was abnormal and I knew I needed to address it but I also realized that there were reasons behind why I did the things that I did. It wasn’t until this past year that I finally addressed it and discussed it with my counsellor and doctor .

So.. why was I doing what I was doing ?

  • With depression, as I have expressed many times before in previous blog posts.. sleep/tiredness/exhaustion/insomnia/hyper- insomnia are all issues/symptoms of depression. I would sleep all day and all night. If I slept all day, I’d be wide awake at night .. you get the picture… but the thing is I never ever actually felt energetic or ready for the day no matter how much sleep I had.
  • I became reliant on any type of sleep aids, I believed that I could not fall asleep at night without it. I convinced myself it wasn’t possible. I ended up then developing a tolerance to anything I tried and would have to take more and more to feel like I could fall asleep.
  • I let myself be on my phone to the point of exhaustion to avoid thinking. I use to be so afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. I feared panic and anxiety. I feared having to deal with the hard stuff. I convinced myself if I let myself think.. I would only end up being more sad .. more depressed.
  • Having all the lights off and needing a dark room was not a good habit, it’s like it was another escape to avoid thinking. I’d get so busy with trying to make my room pitch black that I didn’t have to worry about anything else.
  • In terms of noise, I have developed a habit of self-aggravation when I heard sounds I didn’t like. It’s all I can focus on and I end up getting so distracted by it and angry. For example, I cannot stand the sound of a clock ticking or snoring. I even use to hate the sound of the rain ! Who hates the sound of the rain ! Ahaha it’s suppose to be comforting and white noise. This is still something I work on.

What’s my new routine?

  • Aromatherapy has been a good natural way to calm and relax myself. I love using my diffuser and essential oils. I deep breath when I have it on and attempt to relax . I mix in lavender, peppermint or eucalyptus or chamomile .. sometimes different concoctions that I have looked up.i also recommend the aromatherapy Bath and Body works line for sleep, stress and energy! They have pillow sprays, room sprays, lotions, body oil, body sprays and even bubble bath and bath salts. You’d be surprised how much it can work if you relax (I know that people argue that it’s just a placebo affect and we just convincing ourselves otherwise … I use to hold this opinion).
  • I take calcium and magnesium after dinner, these vitamins are consider to both aid in sleep. For instance, milk contains small amounts of tryptophan, which the brain uses to build both serotonin and melatonin which both have to do with your sleep.Think about it, new mothers breast feed their new borns or feed them milk in a bottle. Calcium is a great source of sleep aid.. consider how much babies sleep OR why people usually suggest warm milk before bed. Of course there is more to it but this is just the basis in simple terms. Magnesium is well known to relieve insomnia. It’s been researched that magnesium can aid in the lowering of cortisol (stress hormone) and that it helps wth muscle relaxation.
  • I try to stop using my phone about a half an hour to an hour before I go to sleep. I usually put the phone down, find a relaxing/chill playlist on my Spotify and I either take a shower or read a book or do a sudoku puzzle for a bit. Its been researched and found that using electronic devices can be stimulating and can cause sleep disturbances or lack of sleep. Also it’s been suggested that bright light/blue light signals our brain to stay alert which is what we see when looking at our phone. I try to keep my phone on my dresser rather ham under my pillow at night.
  • I now aim to be in bed by 10. That way I can relax and an unwind in my bed for an hour or so.
  • I have now adjusted myself to sleeping with light. It started off with not covering the cracks on my doors or windows where light peeked through and uncovering all the led lights like on the tv or clock (this sounds so silly but I got to a really bad point). I then took off my black out curtains — THIS WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO DO. I then attempted to sleep with my blinds open. I am not at a point where I can fall asleep in any time of lighting. PHEW.
  • I also went through a trial and error adjusting to “white noise” like a fan going throughout the night. This has been so helpful. I still don’t like snoring and the ticking BUT I have adjusted to a point where no longer get angry but attempt to not focus on it . It’s a bit of an improvement I say.

Anyways! This is my routine at night. Little things I have learned through trial and error. Is there anything you do that helps you fall asleep ? I’m intrigued to here !

Love, Sarah. 🖤