Gahhhh this is a super hard post to write about. I am shaking as I am typing on the keyboard and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. Gahhhhhhh.
This is something I know but I can’t say. For now… typing it out will have to do. In all honesty, its actually a really big deal to me.
I. AM. FAT. I am overweight. Severely. To a point where I think that it could be dangerous if I do not stop and change my lifestyle.
Do you ever look in the mirror and just stare at your body. Do you ever finally loop up and look at yourself face to face and you notice that you have the MOST disgusting look on your face? As if you’re seeing a ghost or smelling something absolutely disgusting. I do. I do a lot. Do you ever go into a clothing store and see a top you love but know it won’t fit you… and your heart sinks. Then you somehow convince yourself to try it on, even though you know its not going to fit but you do it anyways. Now you’re at the point where you’re sitting/standing in the changing room disgusted with yourself and so sad. I sometimes feel nausea and anger. It’s like I on purpose, set myself up for disappointment.
I do have reasons as to why I am overweight. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have polyscystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). Put in the easiest way possible, women with PCOS don’t produce normal insulin levels. Instead, our bodies overproduce insulin in an attempt to maintain a normal blood sugar level, and this frequently leads to more androgen productions and weight gain. It is a vicious cycle of increasing insulin resistance, more severe symptoms and even more weight gain. I also eat my feelings. I cope with eating junk food, especially sweets and then completely regret it afterwards. It’s right away, fast acting making me feel good vibes but that ends pretty quickly. I then regret it (and that is a whole different story…).
I know I need to make changes and I know that I am COMPLETELY CAPABLE of losing weight ; I have done it before. I lost over 80 pounds in less than 5 months. I felt so good about myself. I was so much more confident (yes people, for those of you who do know me.. I can be even more egotistical… I think right now its a coping mechanism.. when before, I actually was… confident.
What did I do?
I changed my diet drastically after doing tons of research. I do have to admit, I didn’t lose weight in the healthiest of ways. I ate a lot less food, a lot. I never ate breakfast, had a small lunch and even smaller dinner OR if I had nothing to do that day, I would sleep as long as I could so I wouldn’t be hungry throughout the day. I put up with the hunger pangs and headaches. I would sleep to make myself feel better or down black coffee or diet coke to make myself feel satisfied even just for a little bit. I was so weak at some points that I did not even work out that much.
Why did I stop?
I have mentioned this before, but when my brother passed away, my entire world fell apart. All I did was eat, sleep, and drink. Going out and getting drunk and eating whatever comfort food was more important. I eventually stopped caring and hid the scale. Slowly I noticed clothes not starting to fit me and I would just put this to the back of my mind. Next thing you know, I am heavier than I have EVER been.
Whats the problem now? Why won’t I commit to making a lifestyle change? Why do I keep making excuses?
I am scared that I am going to do exactly what I did before. Lets be honest, I clearly pretty much starved myself for the most part. I was so obsessed with the number on the scale. Even though I always felt weak or tired and say I didn’t go to the gym because of that… thats only half the reason. The other reason was because I was scared that if I went to the gym, the number on the scale would not go down. That even though I was losing fat, I was gaining muscle. I know this sounds so so stupid. Just thinking about making this change now, I already see my mind going right to the scale and not eating.
How can I fix this?
I need to grab my lady balls and use this confidence I claim that I have and talk about it. I need to stop telling my counsellor that we need to change the topic or avoid the topic at all cost. I need to address it. I have disordered eating. I don’t like to say eating disorder but I know in a sense I had/have one. I currently binge eat and before, I starved myself or if a did eat and if I felt guilty about it, I purged. I need to make active changes, even if it means I have to put up silly reminders for myself..
Wish me luck people. I need it. Talk soon ❤